Friday, October 24, 2008

...preparations...


BEWARE: Anger ahead

I'm going home in the morning. This morning actually. My, how time flies.

In a few hours I may be receiving the last hug I'll ever get from my daddy. What do you think about that? I think it's pretty stinkin' crummy!

I don't know what to believe anymore. Will this really be the last time I see my father? With God, nothing is impossible. I do not expect a miracle but try to stop me from hoping.

For over two weeks my father has been told that he only has a few days longer to live. No joke! The hospice nurse is nice and probably intelligent but I hate her and think she's stupid. She's been wrong for two weeks. Who's to say this won't go on for a few more weeks until I can maybe come down again??? So what if he can hardly swallow and has so little muscle that he has to ask someone to reposition his legs for him? So what if he almost drowns when he takes sips of water and that he is practically living on orange popsicles. Do you think that matters??? Somewhere inside that man is my daddy. And somewhere inside me is a girl that wants to pop someone on the nose.

I feel like I'm drowning in hope and sorrow. I'm swallowing it by the bucket and it all tastes like poop.

Mostly I'm just feeling crappy because by leaving before he dies I feel like I'm making a choice to never see him again. Don't tell me that's silly. I know it's silly. I'm sad not stupid.


The Good News...

I'm going home to this.



PS My friends are nice.

5 comments:

The Cooper Family said...

I miss you. Glad you think I'm nice. I've been trying to comment to your blog for a few days now. The gist of what I've been trying to say is that we are looking forward to our playdates again and that I am grateful for our friendship, AND that I'm so sorry you have to go through this now. I know I've been a little help but let me know if you want to hang out and talk, or not talk about it. See you soon.

Lubniewski said...

What a sucky situation to be in. I totally understand why you feel the way you do. I know you don't want to hear it, but I have to say it - you are blessed that you've had the opportunity to say goodbye, because not everyone has that opportunity. Not that it makes it any easier to say goodbye to someone you love so, so much.

Linda A. said...

I had no idea this was going on. I am so sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I can't imagine the pain you are going through and I will be praying for you and your family. Please let me know if you need anything at all, PLEASE! Hang in there and pray lots!

Linda

Corinne said...

Aww Kenz I am so sorry! You will be in our prayers. Keep your chin up.

Janette said...

I saw your comment on Erin's blog and had to come over ... nothing I could say would make anything in your world right again, but I'm so sorry!! I'll be thinking about you and praying for your family. Such a tough thing to go through!! HUGS!