Photos

We took advantage of the beautiful day (and the fact that I had to dress Lexie cute for her mani-pedi with Talli) and had a little photoshoot. Here are todays faves. (In a very random order!)

Ta-Daa

I'm starting to figure out my new Photoshop program! A very handy tool for Owen pics since he ALWAYS has some sort of food around his mouth. (Esp. since he discovered the Tootsie Roll stash). Click on the pictures to see the difference up close. I also got rid of his little forehead scrape.

Owen received a battery powered quad for Christmas from Nana. He rode it properly for the first minute then came up with this alternate way to ride all on his own. He is such a crack up!

Me and my beloved Wii. Thank you uncle Zacky. Nana gave me the Wii Fit. Woo Hoo!!

Christmas Jammie Picture! (Need to do a bit of editing on the whole family pic. Ü )

My Nateski.

Mommy's boys.


We had a very nice Christmas this year (all things considered). It was hard not to get caught up in Dad not being there but I did a pretty good job of keeping it to myself so it wasn't one big sob fest. As usual, Shane helped my relax and enjoy myself. Family is definitely the best gift of all.

We miss you PopPop.

Computer Trouble.

This may be why we've been having trouble with our computer lately.

Plastic Bags??????

Please Click this button and consider helping.

Heritage

Today I am 1/3 orphan.

I am sad.

...preparations...

BEWARE: Anger ahead

I'm going home in the morning. This morning actually. My, how time flies.

In a few hours I may be receiving the last hug I'll ever get from my daddy. What do you think about that? I think it's pretty stinkin' crummy!

I don't know what to believe anymore. Will this really be the last time I see my father? With God, nothing is impossible. I do not expect a miracle but try to stop me from hoping.

For over two weeks my father has been told that he only has a few days longer to live. No joke! The hospice nurse is nice and probably intelligent but I hate her and think she's stupid. She's been wrong for two weeks. Who's to say this won't go on for a few more weeks until I can maybe come down again??? So what if he can hardly swallow and has so little muscle that he has to ask someone to reposition his legs for him? So what if he almost drowns when he takes sips of water and that he is practically living on orange popsicles. Do you think that matters??? Somewhere inside that man is my daddy. And somewhere inside me is a girl that wants to pop someone on the nose.

I feel like I'm drowning in hope and sorrow. I'm swallowing it by the bucket and it all tastes like poop.

Mostly I'm just feeling crappy because by leaving before he dies I feel like I'm making a choice to never see him again. Don't tell me that's silly. I know it's silly. I'm sad not stupid.


The Good News...

I'm going home to this.

PS My friends are nice.

BEWARE: Long Post Ahead

"No matter how much your heart is breaking the world doesn't stop for your grief"

I've been in California for over two weeks now. Many of you know that but most of you don't. It makes me sad that I've been in town for so long and am so close to old friends but I just can't pick up the phone.

I've been staying at my dad's house for the past two weeks as his life is coming to a close. That's as gentle as I can put it. It's not very easy to type that statement, even that masked description. I've been here on my own (w/o Shane & the babies) for over a week. I miss them so much and feel even more lost without Shane by my side. He is my rock, the steadying force in my life. In a few days I will be home.

For two weeks, I have watched my Daddy shrink, much like a Shrinky-Dink. That may sound crude but he's been withering away so quickly that it's a lot like watching those magical creations transform in the oven. Only it's a lot less like magic and much more like sorrow.

Sometimes I feel like my dad is a tree and his roots run through me and hold me up as I grow into an independent being. Have I grown enough to stand without him? How long will it hurt as I continually find he's not there when I seek his counsel? What will it be like to take my kids to Disneyland knowing that my dad looked forward to taking them since the day the first one was born? How long will the empty spot in my heart ache for?

I am fortunate to have a firm belief in what will happen to him after he dies. Most of my friends and in-laws share the same faith as Shane and I so many of you know the comfort the gospel brings to me during this aweful period of my life. I thought that my faith would be sufficient to ward off most of my sorrow but it is falling short. I do not currently have an eternal perspective. Months are long, years take time. I can't stop the anger and sadness for the loss I will have to endure for the rest of MY life. I am selfish. I am mortal. I am 27 and my 61 year old father may not see his birthday next month. I know he will never see his grandchildren again. My heart ached to no end as he kissed them goodbye last week. And they really had no idea it was the last time they'd see their Pop Pop.

We've been trying to prepare Lexie for this loss. I am thankful for the language the gospel has given me. I don't have to use vague terms like ''heaven". She will not think her grandfather is hovering over some land on a puffy white cloud. She will be comforted by the truth and knowledge that he will be with his parents and he will be safe and loved and cared for. (We also told her he'd be happy because his mom makes the best chocolate chip cookies with lots of walnuts just like Pop Pop likes. It's true and it actually made a lot of sense to her). He will be happy, he just won't be here.

Unfortunately, I'm a grown up now and I do not have the luxury and comfort of youth. I am a wife and I cannot shut down. I am a mother and I cannot hide under the covers. I am an adult and I cannot rage at the person next to me. I am accountable for what I do and what I say no matter how I feel. (Stolen quote)

I was originally going to use this post to write about what this experience has been like. The day to day and more specific aspects. But for now I'm going to remain vague and philosophical. My eyes can't take any more sadness tonight. And my heart's pretty tuckered out as well.

I'm sorry I haven't been in better touch these past few weeks. I know you understand and I appreciate all hugs you've been sending. As you may have guessed, I did not bring my journal with me so you may be hearing from me again.

Pop Pop & Omi
(Dad & Lou Ann)
With lots of help he was able to go outside for a few minutes today.

Today is my birthday

I am 27 today.
I was born on this day.
Today is my birthday.

The ABC's of Kenz & Shane (thanks a bunch Kate)

The ABC's of Shane & Kenzie:
A. ATTACHED OR SINGLE? Attached Very Attached
B. BEST FRIEND? My wife My Sweetheart
C. CAKE OR PIE? Cake Cake sans frosting
D. DAY OF THE WEEK? Sunday Sunday
E. ESSENTIAL ITEMS? Food, Sports, Woman Pillow, blanket, water
F. FAVORITE COLOR? Sky Blue right now it's orange
G. GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS? Worms Swedish Fish
H. HOMETOWN? Medford, OR Lafayette, CA
I. INDULGENCE? Cheesecake Diet Coke (by the case)
J. JANUARY OR JULY? January January
K. KIDS? A handful Babysitter??
L. LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE WITHOUT? My wife Shane
M. MARRIAGE DATE? Birthday Aug 2, 2003
N. NUMBER OF BROTHERS AND SISTERS? 7 brothers, 2 sisters 2 brothers
O. ORANGES OR APPLES? Fuji Fuji
P. PHOBIAS OR FEARS? Snakes, ocean Kidnappers and pedophiles
Q. QUOTE? "I love you like a fat kid loves cake" "Love is like breathing; You take it in and let it out"
R. REASONS TO SMILE? Payday, nice wife, healthy children Shane, Shane, Shane (& my silly silly kids)
S. SUPERMAN OR WONDER WOMAN? Wonder Woman No preference
T. TAG 5 PEOPLE? Huh? Sarah, Lauren, Hilary, Lorrain, You
U. UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME? I hate sushi I hate being in large groups
V. VEGETABLES? sauted summer squash, grilled bell peppers red bell peppers, cherry tomatoes straight from vine to mouth
W. WORST HABIT? certain 'adjustments' staying up to late
X. X-RAY OR ULTRASOUND? ultrasound does it matter?
Y. YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? pizza Diet Coke
Z. ZODIAC SIGN? leo libra

"Mommy, I like being four." (on the eve of her birthday)

Click HERE for more birthday pics.

Humbuggers

For PopPop

Sham-WHAT?

I was just reading crazy Amanda's blog (yes, Amanda. You are a bit nutty.) And she has this link on one of her latest entries/blogs, whatever ya call 'em. I was completely shocked that the odd little Sham-Wow guy has such beginings. Check it out. WARNING: You will never be able to see the infomercial the same way again.

------> SHAM-HUH?

Cheers

Lions & Tigers & Bears.... And Chickens? Oh My!

I love my children. They make me laugh. And nothing is better than a good laugh!

It all began with a bear suit...

"Look Mom! Chicken feet!"

It's creative anytime but hilarious when she wakes you up from a dead sleep with her sweet fat face and ginormous grin. It took a while for me to even figure out what the heck she was talking about. It wasn't until she hopped up next to me and trust her fuchi patas (sorry, Jacque, I butchered that one) in my face. And then I got it. There they were, Chicken Feet.

Hmm...

I just noticed that 90% of my pictures contain parts of my messy house in the background. A sane person would learn how to clean. I'm going to learn how to use photoshop more throughly.

Saving money... Not face.

Some of you may have clicked on my goal do-hickey thing and noticed that one of my goals is to not buy treats anymore. Notice I said 'buy'. I'm pleased to say that I have not purchased anything. I have however stuffed my face with anything chocolate and mooched several sweets along the way (thank you Connie!). I even inhaled some rather unsavory cake from this months birthday Tuesday in the break room at work. There's my little confession. It is a very sad state of affairs but I am sicking to my guns so hide your sweets everyone, I'm on the loose.

PS You're safe for now because I just whipped up a nice little chocolate cake sans frosting which technically makes it closer to bread that happens to be chocolate based. I am very health conscious indeed.

Here ya go...

PopPop came ups for a visit last week. I really enjoyed having him here. We hung out and ate and talked and I really enjoyed our time together. I think I enjoyed it more because he was here during the week so I didn't feel pressured to plan something.

On Friday we took the kids to the mall for hair cuts and so they could play at the indoor play area. There were some of those mechanical car things (like the ones you try to avoid at the grocery store by going in the other door so your kid can't see. Ya doesn't work for me either). Anyway, since we were with PopPop the kids got to go until I got sick of standing there. At first I thought Lex was on the longest ride ever then I realized PopPop kept pumping quarters into the machine. Two quarters a ride, we almost cleared him out. It made me think of all the times my dad would give us money to play games or do kid rides at Round Table. He was very generous. Then I started thinking about all the 'things' I wanted as a kid that I didn't get and how I can't remember what they were but I can remember the fun I had with those quarters. So, in conclusion: I think PopPop has it right, money is better spent on experiences than materials. Something I'll have to practice because I still really like stuff.


Our PopPop

One of the many rides.

When we were in CA for Mother's Day Nana cut Lexie a rose for her to take home. I love this picture because my Mama would always cut one of her roses for me after a sleepover. Isn't that so sweet?!

The happiest baby ever. He is so stinkin' cute. And he LOVES his new jumper. We don't have door jams in our living area so we had to get this one. When I hung our old one in my room I caught Lex and Owen taking turns pushing Nate really high. (At least they were sharing, right?!)


I am desperately sick of doing captions so here's the run down: I've been planting up a storm. We have tons of goodies out back. The kids love to help so this is us planting our new dwarf blueberry bushes. And Lex in my new gardening hat which eclipses any area you are trying to work on because she is shorter and always has to help. Owen likes to dig up things I've already planted like my parsley. We are also very crafty these days. The pics are of the kids painting egg carton caterpillars. They turned out pretty dang cute. I should have taken a pic of the finished project. Last pic is Lex wearing one of my aprons when she was helping in the kitchen. She was very proud of herself. And actually was pretty helpful that day, maybe it was the apron.