Saturday, June 9, 2007

Stuck Somewhere In Between

This is my high school senior portrait. It is a lovely comparison to how frumpy I'm feeling these days. I know that as far as my looks go I'm not so different as I was then. I haven't aged a ton. I'm not immensely fatter (just enough to make me feel dumpy). In high school I was not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I went to parties. I wore lots of make-up, pulled on skinny jeans and danced around in tops I wouldn't consider these days unless at a private beach. I gossipped, flirted and spent lots of time trying to get my perfect image. I had a plethera of hair products and actually did my hair. I competed with my friends and loved them all the same.

The best thing I ever chose to do in my life was to join the church. While learning about it I felt things that my heart could not deny. I found the things that I knew would make me happier than anything else I'd ever come across. I still feel that way about my church. When I look at the friends I've made that are members as well, they give me inspiration. I see what wonderful people they are and aspire to achieve even part of what they stand for. I don't want to be different than who I have become. I don't want the life I used to live because even back then I never felt like it truly fit.

Though I do not want to go back to where I left off I can't help but be envious of the friends I've left behind. I look at their websites and see pictures of gorgeous young people with exciting things going on it their lives and so many things to look forward too. I have something they don't but sometimes I think about whether or not I would choose to be ignorant if I had the opportunity to go back. I had friends, good friends, that I spent a lifetime finding and cherishing through some super fun and also some really tough times. When I joined the church I lost some of those friends. No big deal in the grand scheme of things. The ones that loved me for who I am stayed in contact. I still love them but I miss them in a way that would be indescribable to anyone that has never felt the sort of loss I have. I can still see them. With the Internet I can keep in touch and send thoughts. But I can also see what I'm missing. I can see pictures of them beautiful and laughing. I can see all the exciting places they've been. On my little web page I have pictures of my family. My gorgeous, precious family. And sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, I'm embarrassed that my life isn't as 'cool' as the ones I can peek into. Sometimes I'm angry that some other girl is standing on some houseboat or around some bonfire that could have been my spot. The friends that stuck around, I know that they love me but my heart sometimes aches because we'll most likely never be on common ground again. When they start their families I'll be prepping my kids for high school or college. It kills me to see the bored, 'let's get this over with' look in their eyes when they come to birthday parties and baby showers. I love them for coming but it almost sucks more that they come late and leave early, not because they're jerks but just because they're probably feeling as out of place as I would at one of their parties.

So I'm stuck somewhere in between two lives. I'm living the one I was meant to and missing the one that was never really mine. I won't fall into that former world but parts of it are still holding me back from the life I'm currently trying to live.

Look at my beautiful family. They are perfect. Even on the worst of days I wouldn't trade them for anything. Not even to be one of those gorgeous girls I remember. I just wish I could truly let go of the past so that I can give them all of my future. I wish that tiny lingering part of me could stop being angry that they don't see that I made the right choice so that in that insignificant way I could feel validation that I've already received from every other aspect of my life as a member.


The Taylor Family said...

You're doing a great Job! Hang in there. (You also all look great in the photo)